Flowers are slowly driving me mad.

Flowers are slowly driving me mad.

Translation: I’ve reached my first wedding planning hiccup and it makes me want to fire bomb a peony-selling establishment just out of spite. Okay, maybe not that extreme…But, it’s just been a truly odd experience having wedding flowers, something I assumed would be easy, be the hardest and most frustrating part of planning this shindig.

So, I adore flowers. I love getting them, I love picking them, I truly light up when I get to put them in my hair. I stop to smell them on walks. I am now contemplating hitting every flower I see and just calling it quits, spray painting some Home Deport stir-sticks gold, and putting them in dollar store plastic containers on each reception table. There. Done. Le Home Depot chic wedding theme.

Stir Stick Art for Every Table

I thought the flower process would go something like this…

“Hey there, established and reputable vendor, we’d like bright and colorful with lots of texture for this total price point, bonus points for creativity and the ability to let us rent a giant tree for an odd community art project for the middle of the reception.”

“Yeah! Awesome! Here’s the quote with an item breakdown by unit. We buy wholesale and offer competitive prices! Also, here are some other creative ideas in your price point! We’ve worked at your venue before and this will totally work there!”

Reality:

Me: “Hi, yes, I did call earlier. No, I can’t come meet you in the middle of the work day as, uh, I work. Clear over there, huh? Sorry, I can’t drive an hour away to talk about succulents for 20 minutes…Your minimum fee is $5,000? Would you take a kidney donation perhaps as a down payment? No? Liver? Wait, I need that…Yes, I can send you a pinterest board for ideas. Oh, and we’re just going to discuss that after I drive way over there? Okay…”

60 miles of driving later…

Florist: “We’ll send you our proposal in the next week and should you not accept it within 48 hours, it will self-destruct, rendering your computer, left side of your face, and hopes and dreams useless. Also, we will not provide any details and instead quote you a totally random total cost with no justification whatsoever. Additionally, our proposal will consist of cropping pictures from your pin board that you sent us and just naming random flowers in the text. For no additional cost, we will also forget to update sections and writing a long detailed section about the use of pastel yellow ribbons. Because when you said ‘saturated, bright yellow’ we thought you were tasteless and decided light yellow is the way to go. Here’s a free bouquet toss bouquet. YOU WILL TAKE IT AND LIKE IT, YOU WEDDING HEATHEN. Enjoy this bouquet of PINK BEARS. That will be $4,000 and a kidney.”

Also, it seems like all florists are really technologically challenged and they all just REALLY want to talk on the phone. Maybe it’s a lonely profession amongst the flowers and they just want a bit of human contact…But, they really want to call me in the middle of the work day. This is time consuming and I don’t want to have to get obsessed, fall in love, break up with floral ideas anymore. Also, NO LIGHT YELLOW RIBBON.

Is a Flower Crown a Good Idea? Or, Am I Just Mutton Dressed as Lamb?

When considering the nuptial shindig, I am drawn to the ever so slightly pagan. Upon reflecting on how I’d like my sartorial part of this whole thing to go down, I know I want flowers in my hair and the barest feet possible (still with shoes on as I have some walking to do day of the event). Bees are a reality I do not want to encounter with my feet on any day let alone a day with a professional photographer capturing everything. Lest anyone think I am a low-maintenance hippie due to my flower crown interest, yeah no. I am very attached to my black eyeliner and synthetic materials.

So, I bought some silk flowers as close as possible to our general wedding floral plan. And, I made myself a crown while Pastry made dinner (I highly recommend the weird edamame pasta from Costco). I thought it would be dainty, and turns out, it’s HUGE. And, I kind of enjoy having obnoxious ranunculus perched on my head. But, am I mutton dressed as trendy, music festival-going lamb? I am not exactly a dewy, young thing with a violent urge to wear ripped short-shorts while swaying to band whose name likely includes an ampersand. I’m more of an early 30s snark-o-saur with a penchant for the bohemian and comfort.

Pastry laughed when he saw it, and then told me that on a scale from 1-10, he would give it an 8. He also said that if I get fancy head wear, he’s going to have to look into an obnoxious cowboy hat for the wedding in order to feel equally fancy. So, I’m going to pack my gigantic crown for future dress shopping adventures to see how it goes with a crazily expensive pieces of tulle. Meanwhile, I might just wear the crown around the house when I am working on papers for ye olde doctorate. Or, when I have cramps. Or, when I need coffee. Or, when I just need to feel a little pagan, a little fancy, or a little like a fancy pagan.

Side note: Our chiweenie with an attitude problem, Pepe, barked at me when I put it on my head. He is team “Mutton Dressed as Lamb.”