Introducing The Long-Awaited Engagement Ring, Liberace

I just realized that I had never introduced Liberace, the custom designed engagement ring we had made. Liberace, or Lib for short, is awesome and I adore it. SO MANY PEOPLE asked me as to its whereabouts, I can started telling elaborate tales of its adventures during its design and production. I’ve actually had Lib for over 2 months now and it’s so normal to wear at this point, it’s just part of my day. Albeit, a sparkly part of my day that distracts me occasionally and elicits comments from strangers. I gave Pastry an engagement ring as well, and he has named his ring Edison, as it is made of tungsten and Edison invented the tungsten filament for light bulbs.

Ring on hand pictures are super weird and I am always stuck by how the top of my hand looks like a creased desert wasteland, a study for the set of Mad Max Fury Road. Plus, I don’t want internet strangers to judge my total lack of special bridal manicure. So, here is Liberace as photographed in dim light with my super awful phone on random desk objects such as my rubber-band ball (he used to have a blog about his adventures in Boston), my narwhal-i-corn from a good friend, a tiny purple dinosaur, a not-so-successful-at-dancing-when-it’s-its-only-job robot, and a wooden elephant a student brought back to me after a trip to Thailand. Lib is approximately 800 times sparklier in person (I apparently just really suck at ring photography), hence Liberace.

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dino Monster Nars robot

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Traditions: The Pope Liked It So He Put a Ring on It

Rings are not very subtle symbols. In a variety of cultures from the very beginning, the circle has represented infinity, wholeness, protection or unity. Interestingly, what the circle contains and what exists outside the circle have also always been part of the sacred meaning, containing and protecting the interior, guarding against the external. Our particular circle contains two mutts, an appreciation for hard cider, a mutual lack of bowling skills, and a love of the absurd. The whole cruel, ludicrous, and comical world lies beyond our little ring.

The ancient Egyptians highly prized adornment, jewelry denoting social class and standing for both men and women. The fourth finger of the left hand was considered to be directly connected to the heart by the vena amoris, the vein of love. To honor the gods of the Sun and Moon, the Egyptians would then wear symbolic rings on their love finger, a sign of respect, a symbol of belonging, and a connection to eternal. After Alexander the Great conquered Egypt in 332 B.C., the Greeks not so slyly adopted the practice of making rings out of finer materials as until that point the Greeks previously  tended toward rings of hemp, leather, or bone. The majority of metal during this time period was iron, with gold and silver being rare and only available to the 1% of the Hellenistic era. #occupyMacedon

Alexander the Great, given that there is some question as to his enjoyment as dressing as the opposite gender, probably was a fan of the fancy Egyptian rings. Perhaps Liberace and Alexander the Great had way more in common than we all thought…

The engagement ring then made its way into Roman custom, wealthy Roman brides wearing a gold ring in public and a sturdier iron ring while at home. The ability to even wear a gold ring in public evolved over the years, moving from only senators, to officials, to the wealthy, to knights, to the freeborn.

Caligula, I assume, put 8 rings on his four wives…among other things.

Fast forward through the Middle Ages in which Visgothic code also required a symbolic ring for betrothal and puzzle rings began a way for Sultans in the east to keep track of their many wives, and we arrive to the age of the Popes Making Ring Decisions. Pope Nicolas I insisted on an engagement ring as part of the marriage process, making gold rings a requirement to prove than the groom could afford to care for a wife and family. Later, Pope Innocent III, bucking his innocuous name, claimed supremacy over all the Christian regimes of Europe (LA DE DA) and launched some little excursions called The Crusades. Innocent III also began the banns of marriage, prohibiting people from getting married without announcing their intentions in public, and decreed that engagement rings could be made of different metals as long as the engagement rings were worn for a significant period of time. Considering Innocent’s otherwise ferocious march upon the world, I imagine this concession came somewhat hesitantly.

“Yes, Your Holiness, but the common folk want to get married…”

“Yes, but do they have GOLD?”

“Well, no…”

“NO MARRIAGE.”

“But, think of all the possible future crusaders we will lose out on if they are born illegitimate…”

“IRON RINGS IT IS.”

In 1477, the Duke of Salisbury proposed to his intended Mary of Burgundy with a ring including a fancy M made out of diamonds. And, like that gemstones in rings takes off for the next 538 years…

On sale for the reasonable price of $7,228 off the original price of $16,992! Nothing like paying the equivalent of a used car for a ring that looks like it was made with super glue and plastic rhinestones!

Up until recently, the British commonly used gemstones such as rubies, sapphires, and emeralds in their engagement rings. The Puritans, such fun people, considered rings frivolous and therefore gifted the bride with a thimble instead (LA DE DA again). The Victorians, the ultimate scrap-bookers of history, made elaborate settings out of HUMAN HAIR, and applied letter games in how they set the gemstones. Emerald, Emerald, Emerald, Wascoite, Water Opal, Water Opal, Water Opal.

Should you ever find yourself in Independence, Missouri, swing by Leila’s Hair Museum for the utter glory/horror of human hair as artwork.

In the late 1800’s, British businessman Cecil Rhodes purchased the majority of the diamond mines in southern Africa and humbly named the territory (WHICH WAS OCCUPIED, a fact most colonialists tend to ignore) Rhodesia after himself. Rhodes led a fascinatingly terrible and bloody life, forming the De Beers Mining Company. Fittingly, I also did a history report on him in 8th grade in which I impersonated Catherine Radziwill, the semi-deranged Polish Princess, who essentially stalked Rhodes across the entirety of Africa trying to get him to marry her. She eventually forged his signature on a bank note and was sent to South African prison for forgery. Rhodes never did give her one of his price inflated diamonds as he shortly died after her trial.

The face of a crazed, diamond-baron-stalker Princess.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or slaving over making custom animal wedding cake toppers, you have probably read a bit about the artificial inflation of the diamond industry. Well, if not, here is some reading to do.

Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond? By Edward Epstein

Super Short Article Summary if You Are Feeling Lazy: The price of diamonds is (savvy) manufactured bullshit.

The Incredible Story Of How De Beers Created And Lost The Most Powerful Monopoly Ever by Eric Goldschein

Super Short Article Summary if You Are Feeling Lazy: Greed leads to revolt. Revolt tends to lead to losing control of a monopoly.

How a 1930s Ad Campaign Created the Tradition of Diamond Engagement Rings by Uri Friedman

Super Short Article Summary if You Are Feeling Lazy: You’ve been Don-Draper-ed this whole time.

The Bloody and War-Torn History of Diamonds by Matt Blitz

Super Short Article Summary if You Are Feeling Lazy: Questionable ethics, power and money almost inevitably lead to dead people.

So, rings are not a very subtle symbol and have include some very loaded issues from, well, the time humankind assigned value to things like metal, stones, property, love. From connecting directly to the eternal, to signifying connection, to promising intentions, to proving financial prosperity, to proving worth, to displaying industry dominance, rings have had a wild ride through human history. Now, here’s a info-graphic of the world’s most expensive engagement rings. I’ll let you decide it they are worth the cost.

The Ring Count

The Ring Count, not to be confused with the 1998 thriller Body Count featuring Ving Rhames, David Caruso, John Leguizamo, and Forest Whitaker. Selected quote from movie: “The toes you step on today may be attached to the ass you’ll be kissing tomorrow.”

Each day I keep count how many people ask about my engagement ring. Or, rather ask about its whereabouts as if it is possibly on sabbatical and traveling the continent for the summer. I rather like the idea of telling people that pleasant fiction.

“Oh, The Ring is on a whirlwind tour of eastern Europe until the 5th of August. It will be touring the nuclear bunkers of Prague, remnants of the Cold War era located five miles below ground, while also working on its dissertation on the use of graffiti to portray popular culture, obviously making a stop at the Lennon Wall. Additionally, The Ring mentioned that it was excited to pick up a bit of lead crystal on its journeys, as only the ‘Rolls Royce of Bohemian Glass’ could possibly compete with The Ring’s own luster.”

And, then I will just smile politely and stare them down until they turn away in confusion.

Except from The Ring’s travel journal: “Today I imagined, (ha ha, get it?) a time when I would return to the idea of ‘all you need is love.’ Alas, four tourists from Bolivia approached me as I was leaving the Lennon Wall, and upon finding out I was engaged, quickly asked about where my bride was.”

I get asked on average about two to three times a day about The Ring’s existence, whereabouts, plans, future endeavors. I feel like a groupie to The Ring at this point, filling in outsiders on its itinerary and future special engagements. “Oh, The Ring will be making an appearance soon, likely in August at a small venue. We will tweet out a password no less than 18 hours prior to its arrival so you can gain access to The Ring’s full unveiling. Very hush, hush for limited audiences, you know.”

Little does everyone know that The Ring in question does not even exist yet.

Pastry had a plan. He had a plan involving his grandmother’s gaudy but “I’m pretty sure Cucumber will love it actually” sapphire cocktail ring. One night when we had a bit too much wine by our outdoor fireplace (second best purchase after our memory foam mattress topper which we lovingly refer to as “The Blue Marshmallow of Awesome”), we got to talking about the whole marriage thing and he spilled the beans on the plan. Then, lo, the vintage ring was no place to be found. So, Pastry asked for some help in terms of what might work for me ring-wise.

And, dear god, that was way more difficult than I ever thought it might be. And, I was suddenly struck by how many feelings I had about the symbol of the ring, what the ring represented, of what material it should be made, how it should be made, and how I felt about wearing one symbolic item for the rest of my life.

“Two carrots, no less!” Know thy homonyms.

After I did some scouting, which I will talk about at some other point as it was a super interesting and bizarre process, we ended up going to a custom jeweler together to look at options. Ring shopping with Pastry was super fun, trying on tons of rings, making jokes about how some should come with an elaborate cape, pool boy, and a piano show in Vegas.

I want this one, and this one, and this one, and this one. Too much? Nope. Load on another! I want to feel FANCY!

We decided the diamond was not important, but the ring should be built to last decades, limiting the materials and center stone to a few options. We looked at center stones somewhat unenthusiastically until we found one that made us both go, “OOOOH, SO SPARKLY.” (It was so sparkly!) We chatted about it and the timeline, and moved on with our lives, content to lounge upon the Blue Marshmallow of Awesome until a later date.

Then Pastry surprised me.

I’m one of those annoying people who know the plot twist before it happens. I can be unbelievably absentminded sometimes, especially when given the opportunity to knock over fragile things, but it’s hard to surprise me. So, Pastry moved up the whole engagement timeline by about six months. And, thus, after an entirely sweet photo booth proposal because “I figured I should actually officially ask you if you wanted to get married,” this whole wedding thing began in earnest. And, The Ring became more of an active project than a sparkly idea.

So, The Ring, like the Holiday Inn Express in your hometown or yet another poorly constructed Adam Sandler movie, is coming soon. Date still to be determined. Besides my snark about the constant questions about the ring, I sincerely do not mind explaining to people about The Ring’s design, process, and future debut. Like many things for which it is worth waiting, The Ring is worth it because The Pastry is worth it.

However, I make no promises that I will refrain from making up elaborate tales about The Ring’s summer plans.  After all, The Ring may have to unexpectedly visit the whimsical Dr. Seuss House in Willow, Alaska or go to the Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw Festival. The Ring has plans until it arrives. But, when it arrives, it will stay.