Naked Mole Rats of Love

As the glorious naked mole rat sadly did not seem to have a wedding cake topper option, I made a quick mock-up for Heterocephalus glaber enthusiasts.

Those teeth, those whiskers, that thermoconforming skin, that resistance to cancer, and lack of pain…Glorious, are they not?

Imagining these on top of a cake is vaguely nauseating and wonderful at the same time. It would be like  two, uh, wrinkled, pinkish skin sacks laying limp on buttercream while dressed in their wedding finery.

Note: A true naked mole rat cake topper would actually feature one bride and numerous grooms as they function in eusocial colonies very similarly to bees with one queen, three male consorts, and a whole bunch of workers doing the digging. foraging for food, grooming, and rearing of mole rat pups. It takes a village, okay.

A to Z in Animal Wedding Cake Toppers

A is for Alligator, swamp monsters of love.

B is for Badger, apparently hailing from Scotland.

C is for Cuttlefish, known for their snappy head wear.

D is for Dodo. May your love not go extinct as quickly.

E is for Eagle. Black tie required, baldy.

Note: No emu or earwig options, sadly.

F is for Ferret,  European polecats hand blown in glass.

G is for Goat, wide-eyed herbivores of romance.

H is for Hammerhead shark, the Bob Villa of the seas.

I is for Insect, because choosing just one love bug is hard.

J is for Jellyfish. Love stings, yeah yeah.

K is for Killer Whale. Love is better outside of captivity, too.

L is for Lobster. Love is also better with butter.

M is for Manatee. Everyone will look a bit like a sea cow after enough time.

N is for Narwhal, armed for sparing for life.

O is for Octopus, sixteen hands for groping each other.

P is for Platypus. Show their love some respect, or he’ll come for you with his poisonous spurs.

Q is for Quail. The males are apparently slightly judgmental about your choice in veil.

R is for Rat. Chocolate sprinkles on the cake may be a poor choice.

S is for Scorpion. (“Who would want a scorpion?” Pastry, “Biker gangs.”)

T is for Tapir. I hear on good authority they love Brazilian Carnivale.

U is for Urchin to continue the theme of crunchy sealife on tops of cakes.

V is for Vampire Bat. No blood tests required here for marriage.

W is for Walrus. Dapper and high end.

X is for…

Y is for Yorkshire Terrier. Small and yappy deserves love, too.

Z is for Zebra. Show your true stripes and find your true love.

Note: No Naked Mole Rat wedding toppers! I am disappointed! Is this not the face of romance and love? Wouldn’t any couple want two of these suckers, one in a top hat and the other in a sensible short veil, for the top of their cake?