A to Z in Animal Wedding Cake Toppers

A is for Alligator, swamp monsters of love.

B is for Badger, apparently hailing from Scotland.

C is for Cuttlefish, known for their snappy head wear.

D is for Dodo. May your love not go extinct as quickly.

E is for Eagle. Black tie required, baldy.

Note: No emu or earwig options, sadly.

F is for Ferret,  European polecats hand blown in glass.

G is for Goat, wide-eyed herbivores of romance.

H is for Hammerhead shark, the Bob Villa of the seas.

I is for Insect, because choosing just one love bug is hard.

J is for Jellyfish. Love stings, yeah yeah.

K is for Killer Whale. Love is better outside of captivity, too.

L is for Lobster. Love is also better with butter.

M is for Manatee. Everyone will look a bit like a sea cow after enough time.

N is for Narwhal, armed for sparing for life.

O is for Octopus, sixteen hands for groping each other.

P is for Platypus. Show their love some respect, or he’ll come for you with his poisonous spurs.

Q is for Quail. The males are apparently slightly judgmental about your choice in veil.

R is for Rat. Chocolate sprinkles on the cake may be a poor choice.

S is for Scorpion. (“Who would want a scorpion?” Pastry, “Biker gangs.”)

T is for Tapir. I hear on good authority they love Brazilian Carnivale.

U is for Urchin to continue the theme of crunchy sealife on tops of cakes.

V is for Vampire Bat. No blood tests required here for marriage.

W is for Walrus. Dapper and high end.

X is for…

Y is for Yorkshire Terrier. Small and yappy deserves love, too.

Z is for Zebra. Show your true stripes and find your true love.

Note: No Naked Mole Rat wedding toppers! I am disappointed! Is this not the face of romance and love? Wouldn’t any couple want two of these suckers, one in a top hat and the other in a sensible short veil, for the top of their cake?

Frosting Is Hard…Or, How I Learned That Bing Is the Best Porn Search Engine Out There

While perusing a wedding venue website last night, Pastry and I got distracted by the terrible photography featured in their front page gallery. Vampire groom tries to suck the life out of wane bride, blurry wedding party barely discernable through the ficus tree leaves, the inception picture of another framed wedding picture, the always popular waiting-to-be-hit-by-an-oncoming-train romantic railroad image, and a bunch of cakes that looked like I made them (this is definitely not a good thing). From looking at a these cake pictures, we then determined that “frosting is hard.” And, that the artisan, hand-made look of dubiously applied icing is a ploy by high-end bakers to just slap some of that stuff on a cake willy-nilly, feature it on Pinterest with some soft lighting and a few random figs, and then charge extra for the selected “romantic rustic” look. I say without any doubt that I too could make some of these cakes with a Betty Crocker mix, loose-handed spatula use, and just throwing some mixed berries at the thing from approximately seventeen feet away.

It’s all fun and games until Uncle Lambert tries to eat the decorative ivy.

One of the newest trends in bridal cake is the “nude” or “naked” wedding cake, made famous by a little French wedding of one Jolie-Pitt family. Nude cakes are often tagged as “Whimsical! Rustic! Charming!” with an ode to the glories of whipped mascarpone (one of the world’s most glorious foods in my opinion) or fresh cream. However, the reality of cakes is often far removed from stylized food shoots, as the before mentioned frosting layers will either a) compress under the weight of the tiered cake as they are not sturdy enough to hold up the layers, b) create a glorious landslide effect with your top layers making a literal slide for it across the table, c) offer the opportunity to see if your guests have figured out that you stuck actual flowers in the cake as they try to choke down an entire real rose.

This conundrum of cakery reminds me of perhaps one of my favorite bizarre wedding things ever. A good friend of mine was invited to a wedding of an acquaintance a few years ago. Upon reviewing the wedding information, the friend stumbled upon the bride’s wedding blog. It detailed the bride’s struggle to coordinate everything, her inner musings on the overall attractiveness of her bridal party, her militant march upon having HER day be the perfect fairytale day, and how getting liposuction on her arms would lead to the best wedding pictures imaginable. And, how everything was to be sea themed, down to the starfish cupcakes.

Patrick? Patrick?! Can you hear me?! Noooooo…

However, instead of gracing her wedding cupcakes with delicate fondant starfish, the bride decided to put real starfish on the cupcakes. Nothing like a bit of crunchy, salty dried echinoderm to round out the buttercream and vanilla. And, because ingesting starfish is not perhaps high on the list of most wedding goers, the bride then have to post signs all around the cupcake display warning guests to not eat the cupcake decorations. My question for this ill-advised décor choice is that happened to all the starfish afterward? Were there just frosting-bedecked starfish in little piles all over the venue? Did people take them home as a pleasant reminder of the dangers of considering aesthetic over functionality? Did the kids at the wedding have tiny starfish dance-offs at their tables? Did Uncle Lambert crunch through three before he figured out what he was eating? So many questions…

But, back to the before mentioned undressed confections of note…

As I was explaining this whole nude cake trend to Pastry, I put the search term “nude cake” into Bing without thinking through that life choice very much. AND, HOLY GOD, SAFE SEARCH WAS NOT ON. La la la, pretty cakes, wedding cakes, flowers on cakes, search “nude cake,” click, BOOM, CAKE PORN. Upon retrieving a page of pixelated, uh, goings-on usually involving interesting uses of frosting, Pastry and I dissolved into a fit of laughter on the couch to the utter judgement of our previously napping canines. “Well, Bing is the premier search engine for dirty things,” Pastry knowingly informed me.

We then decided to try a couple different search engines to see the differing results for our inadvertent pornographic cake search. Google brought about articles on cake trends and pictures of cake with a few questionable items. Yahoo brought mostly appropriate cakes yet again. Bing brought all the cake porn, ALL THE CAKE PORN, one could possibly find.

So, morals of this post are as follows:

  • Finding a good photographer is important lest your best wedding photos be framed through a house plant.
  • Nude cakes are a pretty, fleeting trend which your geologist friends will enjoy as it reenacts a landslide area on your dessert table.
  • Don’t trust Uncle Lambert to stay away from eating odd things. Or, just accept that it will just happen and hand him a canapé along with the directions to the local Urgent Care.
  • Try not to put actual creatures, dead or alive, on your food as a non-edible decorations as this does not tend to go very well.
  • Should you be looking for cake porn or really porn of any matter, Bing should be your search engine of choice.