First Truly Important Wedding Purchase

In terms of wedding purchase excitement, this item is perhaps the thing about which I am most pleased. Presenting, a key wedding item in the form of a 73″ wide and 70″ tall Giganotoasaurus stand-up cutout for our reception photo booth. IT IS GLORIOUS. And, was reasonably priced as a mere $39.95 on Amazon. I AM SO EXCITED.

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Bridal Beauty Wars

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I forget to shave my legs.

About once every month, either when I am sitting in the sun passively admiring the tiny golden hairs on my calves or when Pastry is rubbing my furred leg during a House Hunters marathon on the couch, it strikes me that it may be time to purge my lower legs of their peach fuzz. I am by no means a low maintenance lady as I tend to spend an obscene amount of money at the CVS beauty isle (to the point where the CVS employees know me by my epic coupon usage for frivolous moisturizing items – I live in the desert! Containing every water molecule possible is key!). However, with prepping for the wedding in three months, the pressure of bridal beauty shenanigans lays mightily on my mind. Which, honestly, continues to surprise me every time I catch myself fixating on my gel manicure timeline by which to have perfectly crafted nails for each important event in the next month or so.

It’s really hard to avoid how YOUR WEDDING IS THE MOST SPECIAL DAY OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU SHOULD LOOK THE MOST BEAUTIFUL YOU HAVE EVER BEEN THROUGH THESE 137 STEPS OF GLORY stories. I got my nails done last week after a rough day and at least 5 people have commented on how fancy I am now and my bridal exfoliating, buffing, waxing, plucking, beautification plan. (I am fancy, damnit.)

InStyle has a 21 item check list detailing skin brightening serum, facial timelines, brow
specialist (??!!??) appointments, deep conditioning treatments (I’m okay with this – See live in desert and desperate to keep self akin to swamp thing), hair trimming schedule for maximum hair growth, sparkle-inducing hair glazes, hair and makeup trials, weekly manicures (“think medium length with rounded square edges!”), clarifying mud masks for your back and butt, teeth whitening, spray tanning, keratin treatments for your hair, one more haircut just ’cause, a homemade mask made out of local honey and oatmeal, hand treatments for supple finger skin (ew), acne prevention in the for pesky pimples, more clarifying mud masks this time not for your butt, and increased water intake for “luminosity.”

On the fairly conservative side, this bridal beauty guide would cost over $2,000. I made a horribly colored Excel spreadsheet to illustrate this point. Estimates

Vogue also has a detailed wedding countdown broken into weeks. According to them, I should have been meeting with my dermatologist and brow specialist (???!!??) already as well as booking a time “for a complexion check-in” to work toward getting the rest skin results on my wedding day. I mean, I felt like I splurged last month when I bought some CVS knockoff brand serum for $20 AND I even used it on my chest!  Woo! Vogue also suggests I time my waxing needs carefully (see forget to shave legs) as well as prepping with a “depuffing” facial.

Which made me just think about getting a facial from a bunch of puffins…

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Hello, we are your beauty team today! First we will be starting with a nice sand eel and herring mask, already masticated, followed with a serum of fish scales.

I’ve also decided that “Supple Finger Skin” should be our team name the next time we go to play trivia or do some other team activity with absolutely no explanation given. In my dream world, there might be another lady wedding prepping at the same time though, and she might give me a knowing look then say, “Supple finger skin IS such a priority for your special day, right?”

And, now apparently I need to find a brow specialist for the two hairs of my eyebrows that grow within inopportune areas. Hard, hard pass, bridal beauty guies, hard, hard pass on it all.

 

The Hotel Cock Block

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“Blocking a hotel rooms is a great way to help guests find a reasonably priced and convenient place to stay near your wedding activities! Simply follow these easy steps to look into blocking your rooms!”

Three weeks later, a delegation to my mom to take care of business, numerous in-person meetings, forgotten emails, and a few minor snafus in the meantime, our block went live for our guests.

AND, IT DID NOT WORK. Queue confused calls and texts from guests.

Grumble, grumble, hiss, hiss, obscene gesture, boo.

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I asked my mom to take on the whole hotel block contract shenanigans in January as I figured it would be an easy-peasy phone call and contract to arrange for a small grouping of rooms at the hotel located literally between the ceremony and reception site. We want between 12-15 rooms. That’s it. She emailed, called, and met with the sales people of this particular boutique hotel. They signed a contract, a contract which requires us to pick up 90% of the rooms in two months with no resell clause. The sales lady very clearly told the mom that only the standard room is offered as part of the block for $150 a night. Suites, though we can book them for $200 a night, are by contract only and if guests book a suite it does not apply to our block of 15 rooms. Sure, okay, so they will offer the standard rooms when guest call, right? Yep. Moving on…

Pastry’s mom calls the first night to book her room. They tell her the option is a suite for $200 and that the only other option “is a handicapped room that is much, much smaller” for $150. Say, wha? Pastry’s uncle calls – They give him the same run around, book him a suite, and tack on the resort fees to everything something that is clearly waived in our contract. My best friend calls and ends up with a suite. They have now booked four rooms, all suites, for $200 a night and fees, and none of them count toward the hotel block.

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Summary of my feelings.

Now, my mom is an epic lady who has managed many, many people for her entire career. She sent perhaps the saltiest email ever to the sales manager at the hotel. Please read the following in a deep, threatening voice of a lady not with whom to fuck.

“We have a major problem with the implementation of the contract we signed for the wedding. Our guests have started to call to book rooms and are being offered only a suite rate of $200. One guest was told the $150 rate was only for a handicap access room, another guest was told that only group sales could handle her request. I am very disappointed in this poor service and the confusion it is causing for our guests is unacceptable. I have an early appointment on Friday morning, but I will call you as soon as I am free.  My expectation is that when are guests call they will be offered the $150 contracted rate. The $200 rate for suites should not be offered at all as we contracted specifically for 3 suites and I have already booked them.  When we speak tomorrow I will look forward to your solutions and expect prompt corrective action.
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The hotel then groveled sufficiently and another friend had no issues when booking her room the next day. Mind you, this is also the same location of the $136 tacos. So, I am not convinced they deserve any business at this point let alone our glorious personages in residence eating tacos at our leisure. But, life and planning move on…
They were very lucky they had to deal with my mom rather than me.