I forget to shave my legs.
About once every month, either when I am sitting in the sun passively admiring the tiny golden hairs on my calves or when Pastry is rubbing my furred leg during a House Hunters marathon on the couch, it strikes me that it may be time to purge my lower legs of their peach fuzz. I am by no means a low maintenance lady as I tend to spend an obscene amount of money at the CVS beauty isle (to the point where the CVS employees know me by my epic coupon usage for frivolous moisturizing items – I live in the desert! Containing every water molecule possible is key!). However, with prepping for the wedding in three months, the pressure of bridal beauty shenanigans lays mightily on my mind. Which, honestly, continues to surprise me every time I catch myself fixating on my gel manicure timeline by which to have perfectly crafted nails for each important event in the next month or so.
It’s really hard to avoid how YOUR WEDDING IS THE MOST SPECIAL DAY OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU SHOULD LOOK THE MOST BEAUTIFUL YOU HAVE EVER BEEN THROUGH THESE 137 STEPS OF GLORY stories. I got my nails done last week after a rough day and at least 5 people have commented on how fancy I am now and my bridal exfoliating, buffing, waxing, plucking, beautification plan. (I am fancy, damnit.)
InStyle has a 21 item check list detailing skin brightening serum, facial timelines, brow
specialist (??!!??) appointments, deep conditioning treatments (I’m okay with this – See live in desert and desperate to keep self akin to swamp thing), hair trimming schedule for maximum hair growth, sparkle-inducing hair glazes, hair and makeup trials, weekly manicures (“think medium length with rounded square edges!”), clarifying mud masks for your back and butt, teeth whitening, spray tanning, keratin treatments for your hair, one more haircut just ’cause, a homemade mask made out of local honey and oatmeal, hand treatments for supple finger skin (ew), acne prevention in the for pesky pimples, more clarifying mud masks this time not for your butt, and increased water intake for “luminosity.”
On the fairly conservative side, this bridal beauty guide would cost over $2,000. I made a horribly colored Excel spreadsheet to illustrate this point.
Vogue also has a detailed wedding countdown broken into weeks. According to them, I should have been meeting with my dermatologist and brow specialist (???!!??) already as well as booking a time “for a complexion check-in” to work toward getting the rest skin results on my wedding day. I mean, I felt like I splurged last month when I bought some CVS knockoff brand serum for $20 AND I even used it on my chest! Woo! Vogue also suggests I time my waxing needs carefully (see forget to shave legs) as well as prepping with a “depuffing” facial.
Which made me just think about getting a facial from a bunch of puffins…
Hello, we are your beauty team today! First we will be starting with a nice sand eel and herring mask, already masticated, followed with a serum of fish scales.
I’ve also decided that “Supple Finger Skin” should be our team name the next time we go to play trivia or do some other team activity with absolutely no explanation given. In my dream world, there might be another lady wedding prepping at the same time though, and she might give me a knowing look then say, “Supple finger skin IS such a priority for your special day, right?”
And, now apparently I need to find a brow specialist for the two hairs of my eyebrows that grow within inopportune areas. Hard, hard pass, bridal beauty guies, hard, hard pass on it all.